An Evaluation of a Broken Heart
October 10th, 2010. My plane arrived. January 9th, 2011, my plane departed. Three months. 90 days. 2,160 hours (roughly). In that time, I moved to Maine; admitted to myself (and someone else) that I was in love again; slipped into a bit of a depression due to not being able to find a job; had my heart broken; moved back to California; and, finally, moved to San Diego. What a three month span, right?
I’m not going to take this opportunity to bad mouth her; it’s not in me to do that. Even though I have certain moments of extreme anger, I told her (and myself) that, no matter what, I would not be that guy. I wouldn’t be the guy who talks nothing but garbage, and undermines the time that we shared. I would have rather shared three months of intense love with her, than three years of average affection with anyone else. But, like I told her a couple of nights ago….I’m hurting.
Attachment and Jamaal are two words that NEVER go together. I was always the guy who left or found a reason to leave before things got too intense, because I didn’t like the vulnerability that being attached presented. While I am not shallow enough to assume that past girlfriends were in love with me when I decided to end it, I could now understand the hurt they felt when I would inexplicably just tell them it was over.
The last couple of days, I have done nothing but lay on the couch, and reflect. What is it that got me so attached? Why do I miss her so much? Why, after she broke my heart, do I still get so excited to see her name show up on my phone each day? These are the only reasons I could think of:
— I forgot how it felt to be in a relationship.
— She and I have such a history (15 years of friendship before we dated), that maybe I was trying too hard to convince myself that I had these feelings for her.
— Maybe I was just in love with feeling that I was loved.
— Maybe I am too concerned with finding ‘the one’, and I don’t want to just let it happen.
When I actually sat down and broke down each of the reasons, here is what I came up with.
Reason #1 —I thought this was the most sensible reason, but then I realized something; I have a ton of relationships. I have dated a lot over the last couple of years. I was just in a serious relationship two years ago (and we tried to reignite the flame at this time last year), so this definitely couldn’t be the reason.
Reason #2 — If there is one thing that I am, its honest about my feelings. Even if I’m not telling the person involved how I feel, I am ALWAYS honest with myself. I always know where I am emotionally, because I am always taking stock of my feelings. No dice on this one either.
Reason #3 — Too often I feel unloved. I feel like its my destiny to be alone. So when someone actually shows me that affection, and gives me that feeling, I tend to fight a little bit harder to maintain that feeling. I know, this is a stark contradiction to what I said earlier about always leaving before there was an attachment, but….no one ever said that I wasn’t a complicated man (Shaft has nothing on me). But then I remembered that there was a certain young lady who has done nothing but show me that she loved me for the last four years, and all I would do is acknowledge it, and move on. So no, not this one either.
Reason #4 — Like I stated in the last paragraph, I feel like its my destiny to be alone. With all of the dirt I have done in my past (enough to fill the Grand Canyon), I could be experiencing that weird thing that everyone says is such a bitch….karma. When I am finally ready, willing, and able to settle down and be a good man to someone, the one person that I decided to give my heart to, suddenly decided that she didn’t want it. Or maybe I just latched myself onto the first person who I had a connection with, thinking that we could cultivate an above average connection into a lifetime of love.
I thought that reason #4 was it: I was resigned to the fact that I just wasn’t patient enough to allow love to find me, and I was rushing to find it. I’m going to be 27 in a couple months: while most people I know are starting families, diving head first into their careers, and planning for whatever it is that life brings them, I have spent years ducking and dodging opportunities to possibly fall in love, and jumping from job to job. That had to be it. Problem solved…..
…..Or so I thought. Last night, I had a dream. And, as not to go into specifics, I had an epiphany. It was none of the aforementioned reasons at all. The answer was so much more simpler than I could have ever imagined. I was upset that I couldn’t just admit it to myself days ago, and save myself so much stress and pain. The answer I found was this….I’m in love. Simple and plain. That’s why I couldn’t get mad at her with ending it with me. All I want is for her to be happy. If she realized that she would be happier if she was not involved romantically with me, then I wanted her to tell me. I want her to be able to say that today is better than yesterday, but nowhere near as good as tomorrow is going to be. If I can’t contribute to that feeling for her, then I need to move on. So, as a boyfriend, I am completely, unequivocally heartbroken over the way things played out for us; however, as a friend, I am extremely happy for her, for doing what is best for her, for once.
Today is January 14th, 2011. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. The old Jamaal would already be out there, trying to find someone who has masking tape to try and put it together. But this time, its going to be different. I’m going to wait, and when the time is right, I am going to personally use the superglue that I have been holding on to for so long. I will be the one to put it together, because I am the only one who knows how it should be shaped. But, I’m not going to lie….everyday since the break up, I’ve found myself saying “I love you”…..and realizing that I don’t have anyone to say it to. I think that may be the toughest part of this whole situation. There is one benefit to being dropped to the ground, however: there is only one way to go, and I am planning on rising, eventually.
